4chixpost

The Year of Magical Thinking

This is a beautiful book by Joan Didion, written upon the death of her husband of forty years, author John Gregory Dunne. He is the brother of Dominick Dunne.

I cross posted it to Grief Resources, because I think anyone who has suffered a loss can relate to this book and the examination of grief that Didion conducts with her writer's attention to detail and research. Her sometimes sparse and intense style makes you feel what she is feeling and is best experienced read in one sitting.

Make no mistake, this is not a "self help" book. It is a personal journey that she is still taking, as her daughter died soon after the book was written. I most related to her definition of "pathological grief" and how it impacted her magical thinking.

When Someone Dies

I'm often asked what to do when someone dies.

These days, families no longer hold wakes at home in their parlors.People often feel at a loss when it comes time to offer sympathy and don't feel comfortable saying anything to the survivors.Others stumble over what they think are trite phrases. Still others find it more comfortable to stay away and do nothing at all. Here are several ways to show support for the survivors who have recently lost a loved one:

Doing SOMETHING is important. Doing nothing sends a message of apathy.

Attend the funeral or memorial service. Just seeing you there provides support for the family.  Be sure to sign the guest book, and if you don't know what to say, a simple "I'm sorry" can mean a great deal.

Write a personal note or send a card. It reminds the family of your support and friendship.

Send flowers unless the family specifies otherwise. They soften the room at a funeral or memorial service or if sent to the home, brighten the surroundings and remind them you are thinking about them.

Take food to the home. Food is the last thing a family wants to think about after a death. If you don't cook, stop by the grocery store and pick up some fresh fruit, cheeses, vegetables, and other easy to serve food that will last for several days.

Make a contribution.  If the family hasn't specified a charity, it is just as meaningful to make a donation to your favorite organization in the name of the deceased.

Offer to help but be specific in your offer.  Grief is overwhelming, and if you make an open ended offer of "let me know if there is anything I can do" they may not be thinking clearly and at a loss for what needs to be done.  If you see something that you can do for the family, such as mow the lawn, walk the dog, take visitors to the airport, or handle home repairs - make a specific offer.

Call! If the person is not up to talking with you they will say so or let the machine pick up but they will know you are thinking of them. When someone has lost a spouse, they often feel cutoff from the outside world and friends that are afraid that calling them will be a disturbance.

Make a note of the date of the death and then honor the anniversary with a note, phone call or flowers. If you don't know what to say, a simple "thinking of you at this time" works just fine!